Not all men… are allies. Here’s a guide on how to be a good one.
Over the last few days after the RG Kar incident, countless headlines and media outlets later,
The conversation has been buzzing about whether it’s cool to say “not all men.”
Some folks think it’s valid to be cautious around men until they prove they’re not harmful, while others, mostly guys, feel that it’s unfair to paint everyone with the same brush.
To all defending the “not all men” stance, let’s ask the real questions: what are these “good men” doing? How are they ensuring that women, non-binary folks, and men don’t face assault and violence?
There isn’t a clear answer yet. If you’re ready to be a good ally, here are some suggestions to get you started:
#Suggestion 1: Acknowledge and listen
Being a woman or non-binary does put you at a higher risk of experiencing challenges and violence in life. And they are the experts on their own lives. So listen and believe the experiences shared by them. Don’t downplay the sexism and take their concerns seriously.
Tip: Now is not a good time to bring about cases against men experiencing assault or violence too. Those are very valid and serious concerns, but don’t bring them up just to undermine the challenges of other communities. Speak up against the issues always. Better late than never.
#Suggestion 2: Discourage and challenge sexism
Call out our friends and associates when they make inappropriate “jokes” or comments. Hold them accountable for their actions.
“She was asking for it.” “She was wearing short clothes, that’s why this happened.”
“Women have it so easy. They cry and gain sympathy.”
“You’re too sensitive. It was just a joke.”
“She smiled at him, that’s why she was assaulted. Why was she nice?” These phrases are often used to dismiss the problem of harassment and assault until it’s too late.
When you choose to stay quiet, you become part of the problem. Silence signals approval and agreement. Challenge anything sexist, racist, casteist, slut-shaming, transphobic you witness.
If you don’t find it safe to talk about it in public, at least try talking about it to the person in private. Every step counts.
#Suggestion 3: Reflect on your privilege
Being a good ally means being self-aware. Ask yourself: “Has your gender affected your opportunities, visible or not?” “What can you do only because you are a man?”
It’s vital to understand and listen to those with different backgrounds than your own. This goes beyond gender, sexuality, religion, and caste. Acknowledge the privilege you might have gained because of your gender.
Tip: “Oh but we as men have to experience a lot of harshness because we are men” exactly. Patriarchy doesn’t only affect women: it is harmful to men too. And feminism is not “anti-men”. Challenge the wrong information and look for reliable, trusted resources to inform opinion.
#Suggestion 4: Step up at Home and Office
After cases of sexual violence, women are often warned. They are instructed not to go outside or stay out late at night. Well, here’s a news flash: women are not always safer inside their homes, too. Instead of imposing curfews and strict rules on women, men must share equally in work and at home.
Heavy home duties hinder women’s advancement at work. They include chores, childcare, and all the invisible work that keeps things running.
While many men say they are equally involved in childcare and chores, their partners generally disagree. Also, at home, step up. At work, advocate for work-life balance. Support paid leave for all caregivers. A great example is Virat Kohli. Choose your role models carefully.
#Suggestion 5: Get Active
Make women and non-binary folks feel safe in public spaces. Intervene when you see someone get uncomfortable or if someone is getting aggressive. It can be as simple as blocking the aggressor. Ask the victim whether they are okay or not. And back up anyone else who is intervening.
Don’t hide behind “the bro code.” Don’t be an accomplice if your friend is doing something inappropriate, online or offline.
#Suggestion 6: Support and encourage
Changing society starts with changing everyday habits and local spaces. It is not a sprint, but a marathon.
Always use your power to make changes and bridge gaps. Support women leaders, create safe spaces, and avoid sharing content promoting violence against women.
Women’s deaths due to gender-based violence may also be masked as natural or accidental deaths, and there needs to be more attention towards why and how they are dying, said Arrpita Paul, country coordinator of the Data Impact programme at Vital Strategies, who co-wrote the analysis.
Conclusion
If you are tired of the labelling of “all men” as perpetrators and “all women” as victims, it’s time to get tired of harmful stereotyping and victim-shaming/blaming.
Let’s ensure that such incidents never occur again.
Let’s keep the words of our Hon’ble CJI’s words in mind:
“If women are not able to go to work and conditions are not safe, we are denying them equality.”
Author
