I want to start by debunking one of the most common assumptions about kinks, which is that kinky preferences are restricted to BDSM (bondage, discipline/domination, submission/sadism, and masochism). However, that is far from true. Kinks come in all forms. Some common ones include hosiery, voyeurism, exhibitionism, roleplay, dirty talk, urophilia, nipple play, humiliation, etc., just to name a few. But why is it that some people are into kinkier activities than others?

A very common-sense notion is that kinky tendencies are rooted in traumatic experiences, like being abused as a child. However, in reality, a kink can develop innately in childhood, or be adopted later in life. Moreover, engaging in kinky behavior may also help in dealing with past trauma. Hughes says that “a sexual assault survivor might initially feel afraid, weak, and powerless during their actual sexual assault, however, simulating that assault via consensual roleplaying with a trusted partner can help them feel powerful (because they consensually negotiated and agreed to it, and can use a safeword to stop the scene), strong (because they feel they can get through whatever physical pain or intensity comes their way), and brave, for facing what can often be dark times in their past head-on.”

Another misunderstanding is that kinks and fetishes contaminate the beauty of making love, an experience that is expected to be more romantic than rough. A lot of people have a hard time putting kinks and romance in the same box, as being kinky is perceived to be a more common characteristic of casual hook-ups than something that can entail sexual activity between a committed couple. In sexual play that involves intense sensation (sometimes, pain), for example, the players seek to achieve pleasure and challenge their boundaries. It is important to understand the manner in which one consensually derives pleasure from sexual activity cannot have any bearing on the nature of relationship between the sexual partners.

Another common myth is that only queer people are kinky, when in reality, this is far from the truth. Having kinks, fetishes and so-called unusual desires is in no way linked to your sexual orientation or gender identity and expression. But as Rajvi Desai points out, “kinks can help marginalized communities feel more comfortable in their own skin. For trans people, their relationships with their bodies are colored by dysphoria, awkwardness, and trauma. For a group whose bodies and existence are unabashedly questioned, fetishized, or who are made to feel unwelcome in societal institutions, consent in a sexual scenario holds utmost importance.”