BDSM: What’s the fuss about?
What is BDSM?
Those four little letters can cause quite the commotion. They have often been portrayed in movies and music in various ways. However even today, they rarely come up in private conversations and forget public discourse. This has given rise to BDSM becoming a mystery. And where there is mystery, there lies myth. Such misconceptions have inevitably led to misunderstanding, shaming, and hush.
BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage and Discipline (BD)/Dominance and Submission (DS)/Sadism and Masochism (SM). As the name itself suggests, BDSM is not one absolute ‘thing’. It involves various acts, fetishes, and mentalities. Some commonly practiced forms include tying up, wax play, spanking, edging and blindfolding. For some people, it is truly a way of being. Others feel that, for them, it is more of an orientation, something that is innately a part of their identity.
Society sees the BDSM or ‘kink’ communities in a similar way it sees the queer—as ‘abnormal’ expressions of sexuality. With human sexuality itself being a complicated topic for some, when combined with BDSM, misconceptions regarding the people engaging in it arise. In reality, the community is widely diverse in terms of race, sexual orientation, gender, class, caste, age, and so much more. The concept of BDSM essentially breaks through all ‘discriminatory’ barriers.
Is BDSM Considered a Medical Disorder?
At one time, mental health experts were doubtful that those who practiced BDSM were mentally healthy. The American Psychiatric Association took a colossal step in destigmatizing kink with the release of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) in 2013. For the first time ever, the regulations drew a clear distinction between consenting adults who engage in sexual behavior outside the conventional, such as BDSM, and those who coerce others to engage in such conduct without consent. The difference between these two disorders and BDSM is the concept of consent.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly, a clinical psychologist, carried out an expansive psychological study of 132 people in the BDSM community to analyze their psychological attributes. After an in-depth research, she concluded that the group was generally not mentally unhealthy. “BDSM, played in a safe and consensual manner, is not proof of mental or physical illness, essential badness or emotional damage from trauma or abusive parenting, and that people cannot – and should not – be treated to cure it,” believes Connolly. Several other American scientists also found that BDSM actually diminishes psychological stress, uplifts mood and often boosts sexual arousal.
Diving into the Deep End
For many, especially those who’s understanding of this term stems purely from movies like Fifty Shades, the practice may appear daunting at first. It is however very much possible to combine sex, power, and even pain in a healthy manner. Though movies have helped spread awareness regarding the concept and has people talking, there are still things they have gotten quite wrong.
What is truly important to keep in mind are consent, explicit communication and trust. These concepts comprise the foundation of a fulfilling BDSM experience and should always be taken into consideration.
Before parties get down to playing, a negotiation stems – setting and discussing interests, ‘soft limits’ (things you’d rather not do) ,‘hard limits’ (things that are absolutely not permitted) and a ‘safe word’ to imply you don’t want to proceed further. The BDSM vocabulary is extensive and often referred to in detail. A checklist or a contract can also be created in order to keep things clear among all involved parties. The BDSM community is one of the only which considers consent like the holy grail. They take consent a step further, demanding explicit rather than tacit consent.
Another important aspect is aftercare. Aftercare is merely the time you and your partner take after play time to recover and to cater to each other’s emotional and physical needs. Not everyone may need it and the ones that do may have different requirements. There is no one way to provide or receive aftercare, the only directive is to be open, accepting, and attentive to your partner’s wishes, while also making sure that yours are met as well.
Is BDSM in India common?
Due to deeply entrenched patriarchy, complex gender norms and the silence around sex, India is yet to completely accept BDSM as a normal part of life. However, that does not mean it does not exist. According to the India Today Sex Survey 2016, 41.8 percent of Indians engage in some form of domination, submission or role-playing. India is surely getting even kinkier with recent 2020 google search trends showing a steady and rising interest in BDSM.
BDSM communities exist in certain metros such as Delhi, Mumbai and Bangalore. The Kinky Collective (KC) is one such example. They are a close-knit community of roughly 15 BDSM practitioners who have been active for more than a decade in New Delhi. They strive to destigmatize and bust the myths surrounding this liberating experience by conducting workshops and use of social media. Their numbers might be small, but they sure are growing and even reaching Tier 1 and Tier 2 cities.
An intriguing documentary by Vice India also comprised an interview of a Bengaluru based dominatrix, DJ, who has been making her own home-made toys since the past 10-12 years. She regularly sources her items from local markets thereby, dispelling the myth of how one needs to be a millionaire and create a dungeon to practice this form.
Written by: Tanisha Saxena
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